Rants, Ravings and Musings

Bored? You must be!

I think that I love bacon. I like the smell, the taste and even just saying the word...BACON!!!! *drools*

Question: a VERY deep question....
If you are never fully dressed without a smile, then is it possible to be "naked" if you are smiling?

Nothing much
Still feeling worthless and useless.
Most if me doesn't think that will ever change, I really didn't always feel like this.

I doesn't matter. Once you start walking down a road you should not look back, you'll get creamed by on coming traffic! I don't really want to get squished, but honestly, I am just not that bright. Think what you like about that I have always been able to convince others that I am much smarter than I am.

Dilemma, or Just Selfish Prater?
It is the near enough to the end of February that I am beginning to panic about the whole wedding thing. Not that I'm not happy. Just the thought of all the things in my life that will change; all the things I'll have to differently.

That and all the things I'll never get to do. That is really what is at the heart of all this, I think. The fact is that there is almost nothing that I've done that I regret having done. Most of my regret is tangled up in things that I have not done: not saying goodbye, not saying I love you, not having the guts to brave the anger of another for telling an unpleasant truth...

What to do?

Holy Crap!
I can't believe that it is the end of January already. I am not freaked out for the usual reasons: time seeming to move faster and faster, getting older and that kind of thing. No the real reason that I'm wigging is because my wedding is less than ninety days away!

I'm happy and I love him, maybe too much. God knows that has been tested enough in the last year! I just feel like planning of any import should never be done by anyone who is as scatter-brained as I am. I guess that I have all of the important things taken care of, dress, church, rings. And the man, got that too.

I think the whole thing is getting out of control. I didn't want anything nearly as big as this, but I'm stuck. That whole fable that a wedding is all about the bride is wearing thin. Nothing is turning out how I want it. I hate feeling obligated to do this or that. I think that unless people stop bugging me I am going to be bald, as I'll have pulled all my hair out
by the end of March.

I wish I knew how to put my foot down in a firm, but polite way. Let's face it peeps subtly and tact have never been a strong point where I am concerned. Of course it wouldn't hurt of my Maid of Honor would actually call me back. I want to stop being stressed and be happy about this, but it just isn't in the cards.

I'd really like to know what the hell is wrong with me. Just when it finally seems that I'm getting my life together suddenly it seems like I don't care. Not about anything.

When it's been two weeks since I've seen Joel, the man I'm supposed to marry, and I would be equally happy to just stay home and sleep on my days off that is BAD.

I have been assured that this is simply a case of cold feet, but I still think that doesn't sound at all like me. Another person seems to think that I'm just depressed, which I already knew. The point is that if I'm always depressed then why is it only now beginning to affect my relationships with people? I'm just worried that if I go to some kind of doctor that I'll get stuck treating only the sypmtoms via meds rather than the cause, whatever it may be.

I am lucky to have the best people in the world for a support net, so when I inevitably fall please be kind enough to help me up.

Love you all!

It's been a while...
Hey. I know it has been a while since I updated this crazy thing, but here goes...

Since my last post I have gotten a job that I really enjoy with people that I like well enough. I'm not making too much at the moment, but that is likely to change soon-as I have found that I seem to have a gift for the business.

I have also gotten a strange, albeit sweet love letter from a dear friend. I think that some feelings are best left unspoken, even if they are understood. It would have made my life much easier not to have "known" irrefutably how he felt.

Joel is still unemployed, he is looking-at a snail's pace I might add-but after some thought I decided to let him enjoy the break from working for a few months. It isn't as though he is not receiving unemployment checks.

Recent revelations in reference an old friendship have taken me to a highly emotionally unstable place as of late-I know, what a shock!-but I am trying to take it one day at a time. So far it is working even if it has caused more than a few fights and awkward silences that somehow have nothing to do with sexual tension anymore. It is truly uncharted territory for me and I HATE change!

I am soon to be an Aunt, any day now. I am excited! Her name will be Rona McMackin.

I guess that wraps it up, I can't think of any other new things that have happened to me recently. Well, I hope that I haven't bored you to tears.

I think everyone I've spoken to this week hates me, because they are all acting like I'm a leper or something. It would be nice if just one of the three of you would talk to me!!!!

I'm a bitch, no two ways about it.

OH FUCK!!!!!
Joel just got laid off. I'm fucked. What a great brithday present, not to mention Valentine's Day. I can't even breathe properly I need to calm down.


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